Chapter 22: A Bold Expression of Love

♡♡♡

I’m being swept along.

Until now, I’ve approached love with a lot of self-awareness and clear intent. I didn’t let myself be swayed by society’s image of love or act recklessly; I thought things through and acted deliberately. That’s what I believed true sincerity was.

How to love. Imagining the future and the other person’s feelings, making plans.

Method and practice, a process of hypothesis and verification.

But now, I have no vision. I’m just being pushed around by Hayasaka-san and Tachibana-san. Responding to their actions takes all I’ve got, like an endless defense.

I’ve lost the initiative. I’m not controlling anything. And it’s not just Hayasaka-san and Tachibana-san pushing me. There’s one more person—

“You’re working at a crazy place.”

This is after dealing with Kunimi-san at the live bar, as usual—peeling potatoes, polishing glasses, and chugging beer behind the counter while working.

After my shift, I take out the trash in the alley and leave the bar to head home.

That’s when someone was waiting for me.

“Kirishima, can we talk for a bit?”

It’s Yanagi-senpai.

We take the train back to our local station and head to a donut shop open late. Since middle school, Yanagi-senpai, Maki, and I would come here when we got hungry while hanging out. Now it’s just the two of us. It’s late, so there are few customers.

“Coffee and the usual, right?”

“I can pay for mine, Senpai. I’ve got a job.”

“It’s fine.”

We sit facing each other at a table in the back. I break off a piece of a plain donut with my fingers and pop it into my mouth.

“Your mouth okay?”

“It was a little cut, but it’s healed now.”

“Sorry about that.”

At the cultural festival, I kissed Tachibana-san on stage. That night, Yanagi-senpai called me out. When I rode my bike to the riverside promenade, he was standing there. His expression, lit by the streetlamp, was dry, unreadable.

“Since when?”

When asked, I admitted we’d been mutually in love since the summer training camp. Senpai said, “I see.” and then punched me in the cheek. My mouth bled, and I fell back, landing on my butt.

I think Senpai punched me, and I let him, because we both had some baseless hope that it might change this unbearable situation. But in the end, it was just something we did for the sake of doing it—completely meaningless.

“It might’ve hurt me more to hit you……”

Senpai said, dangling his hand, his face bitter with self-loathing. He’s not the type to hit people, and I’m the one who pushed him to it.

I thought getting hit might make me feel better, but it didn’t at all. My cheek just throbbed.

After that, we were silent for a bit.

“Even after all this, I still love Hikari-chan.”

Senpai said, sounding confused.

“I’m an idiot, huh?”

Since then, I’ve been talking with Senpai like this from time to time.

So I knew from the start that Tachibana-san was still in contact with him.

While I eat my donut, Senpai drinks his coffee with a tired expression.

A heavy bag sits on the chair. The cram school he attends is near the live bar where I work, so he was waiting for me to leave.

“Pretty cowardly, huh?”

Senpai says with a weak laugh.

“I only got mad at you, not Hikari-chan. I wanted to keep even a sliver of a chance she’d like me. While I was angry at you, part of me was calculating how to take Hikari-chan from you. Pretty sly, right?”

I think it’s a very rational choice, suppressing emotions.

“Thanks to that, I held hands with Hikari-chan the other day.”

“……I know.”

“Did Hikari-chan tell you?”

“A senior at my job saw it by chance.”

“It’s not like Hikari-chan’s a cheater or anything.”

I say, “Right.” The Senpai sitting across from me looks a bit worn but still handsome. Thinking of Tachibana-san holding hands with someone like him makes my chest ache. I want to contact her right now and confront her about it—a selfish urge.

“I’m taking advantage of her guilt.”

Senpai says.

“After what happened, I knew if I forgave her and begged to stay her fiancé, it’d turn out like this. It’s because of her family situation. I think it’s sneaky and pathetic of me. But thanks to that, Hikari-chan finally sees me as Yanagi Shun, a person, not just some guy or her arranged fiancé.”

Hikari Tachibana is kind. Senpai says.

“It’s pity. I’m a pathetic, cowardly guy begging to stay by her side, and Hikari Tachibana can’t refuse me.”

He’s right. If Senpai were just strong, cool, and refreshing, Tachibana-san would’ve kept treating him as nothing more than her “arranged fiancé.”

“I know Hikari-chan’s confused and suffering. Torn between her love for you and her guilt and pity for me. But I have to shake her up more. Even if it’s cowardly, even if it hurts her more.”

Exactly. For Senpai to make Tachibana-san his, that’s his only option. If she stabilizes with her current feelings, her affection will never turn to him.

“You and Hikari-chan are each other’s first love, right?”

“Yes.”

“Because of a childhood promise, Hikari-chan can’t be touched by any guy but you, right?”

“……That’s right.”

“Hey, Kirishima, I’ve been thinking. Does a guy who comes later have no chance? Can’t beat a first love? Should I just give up? I don’t think so. I don’t want to.”

People’s hearts change. Senpai says.

“I’m going to take Hikari Tachibana from you.”

“……Senpai.”

“Next weekend, I invited Hikari-chan to futsal.”

“Did Tachibana-san say she’d go?”

“No, she shook her head. Probably out of consideration for you.”

But when Senpai persisted, she reluctantly agreed, saying, “If Shirou-kun comes……”

“Kirishima, come watch.”

“To see Tachibana-san starting to open up to you?”

That’d be painful to witness, I think. But—

“No.”

Senpai leans forward over the table.

“Come see me.”

“Huh?”

Ignoring my confusion, Senpai looks straight into my eyes and says:

“Come see how pathetic I’ve become, Kirishima Shirou.”

♡♡♡

On Saturday, I head to the rooftop of a large electronics store to join the futsal game hosted by Yanagi-senpai. After changing into a tracksuit in the locker room, I step out to find several futsal courts surrounded by green nets.

On the nearest court, Yanagi-senpai and Tachibana-san are there. Tachibana-san is in a white tracksuit, her hair tied back in a single ponytail. Maybe because she doesn’t seem athletic, she looks a bit out of place on the court, almost comical.

Others include people connected to Yanagi-senpai through soccer—some college students and a fair number of girls. Naturally, Hayasaka-san, who joins every week, is among them.

And one more person—

“Why!?”

Hamanami shrieks.

“Why am I in a place like this!?”

“They said we might be short on players, so I was asked to invite someone.”

In the end, everyone brought friends, so we actually have too many people.

“I never wanted to get involved again……”

“I invited Yoshimi-kun, though. He’s athletic.”

“That’s why I came instead! He’s my Yoshimi! I can’t let him be exposed to the toxic vibes of this disaster zone!”

“‘My Yoshimi,’ huh? Sounds like something Tachibana-san would say.”

“D-D-D-Don’t lump us together~!!”

When it’s time to gather, we head onto the court.

Tachibana-san, standing next to Yanagi-senpai, looks down awkwardly. Hayasaka-san spots me and gives a small wave from a distance.

Tachibana-san is introduced to everyone as the daughter of a business associate of Yanagi-senpai’s parents’ company.

Not as Senpai’s fiancée or my girlfriend.

It’s like an unspoken gentleman’s agreement. Tachibana-san probably understands the context, but her expression doesn’t change, and I can’t tell what she thinks of it.

Under Yanagi-senpai’s leadership, we start with stretches. Taking advantage of his role, Senpai pairs up with Tachibana-san. Seeing his uncharacteristic desperation, I feel how serious he is.

“It’s the first time I’ve seen Tachibana-senpai being touched by a guy other than Kirishima-senpai.”

Hamanami, paired with me, says.

“Before, it was Kirishima-senpai and everyone else, but Yanagi-senpai’s really starting to stand out as a person in her mind.”

Tachibana-san is clumsily doing a seated stretch, reaching forward while Senpai pushes her back.

“Kirishima-senpai, you okay?”

“Huh? Why? I’m totally fine.”

“You say that with a face like the world’s ending.”

Stretching with the opposite gender isn’t a big deal. It’s normal. I’m doing it with Hamanami too. But humans fear losing what they have more than not getting what they don’t, a phenomenon called the endowment effect. My love notebook said so.

“And over there, she’s as popular as ever.”

Hamanami glances toward Hayasaka-san.

Hayasaka-san is stretching with a college-aged guy, back-to-back, arms linked, arching her chest. She looks friendly, giggling with her “ehehe” smile.

“No, Hayasaka-san’s been coming here for a while. She’s just gotten close to people.”

“But doesn’t it seem like Hayasaka-senpai’s more open with guys than usual? Before, she had this surface-level friendliness with a wall behind it, but now she’s oddly warm, like there’s a real quality to her closeness……”

“You think so too!?”

“Kirishima-senpai, your vibe’s totally shot.”

Seriously, stop messing with my head.

“What are you gonna do? Yanagi-senpai’s in the mix now—it’s a total mess.”

“I don’t even know what to do.”

But, I continue:

“I think Zen philosophy has a clue.”

“That’s a wild angle.”

“There’s a saying: ‘If you extinguish your mind, even fire is cool.’ People think it means training your mind to not feel heat, but that’s not the original meaning.”

“Really?”

The truer interpretation is to accept the situation of being hot as it is. Labeling heat as “unpleasant” makes it unpleasant. If you don’t judge the situation as good or bad and just let yourself be, there’s no pleasure or displeasure. That’s the Zen idea.

“Judging things as right or wrong makes your heart suffer. You think, ‘I’m doing the right thing, so why isn’t it recognized?’ or ‘He’s wrong, so why isn’t he punished?’ If you accept things as they are, just acknowledging their existence, your heart stays calm. That’s what Zen teaches.”

Obsessing over right and wrong or trying to control what’s beyond your power makes you angry or anxious.

“So I’m going to accept this situation as it is. I won’t say our four-person relationship is right or wrong. It’s undeniably there. If I feel jealous, that’s not good or bad either—it’s just an emotion I’ll let myself feel.”

“Um, Senpai, can I say one thing?”

Hamanami peers into my face, eyes wide with an intense expression.

“Can you apologize to every Buddhist in the world right now?”

Even during ball practice, nothing changed. Yanagi-senpai sticks close to Tachibana-san, teaching her how to kick the ball.

Objectively, it’s a good move. As the leader, Senpai can show off his reliability and coolness to Tachibana-san in this setting.

Hayasaka-san remains the team’s mascot, ever-popular. And she seems to enjoy it. She’s in a short-sleeved uniform and shorts, her arms and thighs exposed. The guys are clearly sneaking glances at her curvy, fair skin, but she doesn’t seem bothered. That’s a change from before.

Lately, at school, she’s been kinder to guys than she used to be.

“Kirishima-senpai, don’t sulk.”

“I’m not sulking.”

I kick the ball at Hamanami’s feet.

Trying to look away from Hayasaka-san and Tachibana-san, I glance toward the back net and see a girl kicking a ball alone in the corner of the court.

She has a standoffish, expressionless vibe. Her face looks young, younger than Hamanami.

I approach her and say:

“Wanna practice passing together?”

She turns to me. She’s slender, with long hair tied in a ponytail with a blue scrunchie.

“Thank you. It’s my first time joining today……”

“Same for us. You like futsal?”

“No, I was in the track team, but I retired in the summer and was lazing around at home. My sister dragged me here today to play futsal.”

She’s a third-year middle schooler, apparently.

While listening, Hamanami tilts her head, saying, “She kinda reminds me of someone.”

I introduce myself, and she gives her name.

“I’m Tachibana Miyuki. Hikari Tachibana, over there, is my older sister.”

♡♡♡

After ball practice, we take a break before the mini-game.

I go to the break room, buy a sports drink from the vending machine, and sip it.

Looking out the window at the court, Yanagi-senpai and Tachibana-san are still chatting.

Talking to one girl for so long is obvious and embarrassing—most people wouldn’t do it. Yanagi-senpai knows that but does it anyway. And Tachibana-san isn’t refusing.

I have a lot of thoughts about it.

But I myself feel guilty toward Yanagi-senpai and can’t say anything.

Senpai, who’s always been cool and upright, is now doing something so gritty.

I want to support him, but I also want him to stop.

I was caught in that conflict when—

“Tachibana-san’s little sister is cute, huh?”

Hayasaka-san enters the break room, smiling brightly.

Tachibana-san’s sister, Miyuki-chan, is still running on the court’s edge. As a former track athlete, her posture is impeccable, and except when kicking the ball, she runs with a cool expression, like a fish that swims its whole life.

“Oh, you were looking at her older sister, weren’t you, Kirishima-kun?”

Hayasaka-san stands beside me, and we look out the window at the court together.

“She’s super popular, huh?”

Around Tachibana-san, it’s not just Yanagi-senpai—third-years and college-aged guys are gathering too.

“Mature girls like her tend to attract older guys, don’t they?”

Hayasaka-san says there was a girl like that in her middle school class.

“She was grown-up, unapproachable, and didn’t seem interested in romance. But she wasn’t into guys her age—she was kissing a cool student teacher in his car.”

Of course, Hayasaka-san isn’t saying Tachibana-san is that kind of girl, just that she’s that type in appearance.

“Kirishima-kun, you don’t seem to be enjoying your usual jealous self today.”

“Wonder why.”

“You’re holding back too much on your own. Just let your emotions out and do whatever. Tachibana-san and I are fine with that.”

It’s tough, isn’t it? Tachibana-san’s starting to take Senpai seriously. I get it, I’ll comfort you. Saying that, Hayasaka-san moves to a spot out of sight from the window, spreads her arms, and faces me. I step closer and hug her. But it’s not enough.

“Kirishima-kun, you still look like you’re suffering. Why?”

“It’s because I’m also…… with you, Hayasaka-san……”

I’m not okay with it. Hesitating to say it, Hayasaka-san whispers sweetly, “Hey, just say it.” Drawn by her warmth, I know it’s uncool, but I blurt it out.

“Hayasaka-san, aren’t you getting a bit too friendly with guys? Like, overall……”

At that, Hayasaka-san laughs seductively, “Ehehe.”

“I’m trying to overcome my fear of guys. I’m always relying on you to save me and causing trouble, right? So I’m trying to get used to it. That’s why I started a job where lots of guys come.”

Even if she’s looked at or teased about her body, she’s trying to see it as her charm and enjoy it.

“And little by little, I’m starting to think guys are simple and cute. When I smile and touch their shoulder back, they get so excited.”

“What do you call that……”

“Yeah, it’s risky, isn’t it? I might get swept away by someone clever. Hey, imagine it.”

I picture Hayasaka-san being plied with drinks by an older guy and embraced.

“Hey, would you hate it? If I did something with another guy, would you hate it?”

I start to wonder if I, as the second, have the right to say I’d hate it, but that phase of calculating right and wrong is long gone.

“Be honest.”

“……I’d absolutely hate it.”

“Then make me love you more. Make me so crazy for you that I break, Kirishima-kun. You know how, right?”

I know. The deeper the physical contact with Hayasaka-san, the more recklessly she loves me.

“Don’t hold back, just do it. Do whatever you want with me.”

Standing on her tiptoes, she whispers in my ear, “There’s no one else in this room, you know?”

I slide my right hand, which was around her back, into her shorts from behind, stroking over her underwear.

“That’s it. I’m an idiot, so just kissing you or holding your hand makes me love you so much. Doing this makes me love you so much I go crazy.”

It starts getting wet, even through her underwear.

Hayasaka-san’s already sweaty body grows hotter and moister.

Like the other guys, I was looking at her lustfully too—her flushed body during exercise, her exposed thighs, her uniform that was poison to my eyes.

“You can do it, Kirishima-kun. You can do anything you want to me.”

I keep touching her as her body trembles. She presses her face into my chest, stifling her moans while standing on her toes.

“You like this, don’t you, Kirishima-kun? Why?”

“It feels like proof that you love me.”

It’s foolish, but I think allowing physical contact carries that nuance.

“Then we need to show this to Tachibana-san properly. Make her jealous properly. That’s the kind of relationship we have.”

With a melted expression, Hayasaka-san lets go of my hand and stands by the window again.

I know what she’s going to do.

I stand beside her and slide my hand back into her shorts from behind.

From outside, it probably looks like Hayasaka-san and I are standing side by side, watching the court. But Tachibana-san should notice what’s happening from Hayasaka-san’s melted expression.

Sure enough, she glances over and immediately gets a stern look, even from a distance.

While talking to Yanagi-senpai, she keeps looking back at us.

“Kirishima-kun, no, making sounds…… it’s embarrassing……”

I keep touching Hayasaka-san while looking at Tachibana-san. The wet sounds grow, and Hayasaka-san starts leaning forward. I slip my finger through the gap in her underwear.

Hayasaka-san lets out a breath. Tachibana-san is now staring at us constantly.

After continuing like that—

“Kirishima-kun! No, I can’t, no, no, ah, ah!”

Hayasaka-san’s whole body shakes, and she slaps both hands against the window.

At that moment, Tachibana-san, on the court, violently kicks a ball that rolled her way and turns away angrily. The people around her seem startled.

“……That’s it.”

Hayasaka-san sinks to the floor, a lock of hair sticking to her sweaty cheek, and says with a gentle expression:

“Hey, Kirishima-kun, sharing is fun, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

I say.

And I think I might be breaking too.

♡♡♡

I’m walking to the station with Tachibana-san.

After a break and one mini-game, Tachibana-san said:

“I have piano lessons this evening…… I’m heading back……”

I have a shift tonight, so I decide to leave at the same time.

Hayasaka-san brightly said, “Good work!” with a smile.

After changing in the locker room, I reach the elevator, and Tachibana-san is there too. It’s not planned—we just sync up oddly sometimes, and this is one of those times.

During the mini-game, we split teams with rock-paper-scissors, and naturally, we ended up on the same team.

Maybe it’s in the blood—Miyuki-chan was on our team too.

“Miyuki-chan was fast, huh?”

“She’s always running.”

“She looked frustrated when we lost the mini-game.”

“She’s been a sore loser since she was little. She’s stubborn, so she’s a pain.”

“She seems serious, though.”

“—Enough about my sister!”

Suddenly, Tachibana-san raises her voice.

“Don’t talk about another girl when we’re alone!!”

She looks startled, then quickly says, “Sorry, I’m a bit out of it.” putting a hand to her forehead. She sighs and shakes her head.

We walk in silence for a while after that.

Tachibana-san is pretty unstable right now.

But I’m a little happy she raised her voice. I’m happy she got jealous and showed she still loves me, in a way she usually doesn’t, by getting angry. I’m happy she’s mad.

And there’s one more person here who wants to be scolded.

“Shirou-kun, don’t you have something to say to me?”

On a quiet street, Tachibana-san speaks up.

“……Be honest. Don’t try to act cool.”

When I stay silent, she says, “Why?” in a slightly less intense but still irritated tone. Her resentful expression is strikingly beautiful.

“I’m getting close to Shun-kun, you know? I don’t know why, but I can’t refuse him…… Before, I said I didn’t understand having feelings for two people, right? But I’m starting to get it!”

Tachibana-san was a blank slate when it came to love. After everything, she’s finally discovered that other guys have good qualities too.

And the feelings she likely has for Yanagi-senpai are probably “second-place” love.

She’s confused and disoriented by this change in herself.

“You can even hold hands with Senpai now, huh?”

“……You knew.”

And you didn’t say anything. she says, her eyes burning with a pale flame.

“Is that okay? I’m your girlfriend, but I’m turning into a bad girl who’s getting swayed by another guy. Why aren’t you mad? Is it because Hayasaka-san’s enough for you!?”

I know what Tachibana-san wants me to say. But—

“Yanagi-senpai told me.”

When I left the futsal court, Senpai hesitated but said painfully:

“Kirishima, you’re the one warping Hikari-chan.”

At futsal, Tachibana-san, partly due to the flow with Yanagi-senpai, was talking to other guys too.

“She’s actually a sociable girl.”

That might be true.

Because of a promise we made as kids, Tachibana-san can’t be touched by other guys. If she is, she feels sick and vomits. That’s not normal. What Yanagi-senpai is doing could be seen as guiding her in the right direction. But—

“I don’t care if I’m warped.”

Tachibana-san glares at me.

“You did that with Hayasaka-san, showing off. Don’t do that—just tell me directly. You’re mad, right? Show it. If it’s you, Shirou-kun, I don’t mind if you hit me. If you’re pissed, hit me until you feel better. Pull my hair, I won’t say a thing.”

That’s intense, I think to myself.

But she’s right about my heart. I am pissed. I just didn’t want to admit it—didn’t want to acknowledge my petty jealousy.

Pushed by her fierce expression, I spit out the feelings I’ve been hiding, like vomiting mud.

“Why can you let other guys touch you now?”

“……I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you held hands with Senpai?”

“…………I was scared you’d hate me. That’s why I couldn’t say it.”

Tachibana-san grabs the sleeve of my coat.

“Hey, would you hate it if I could be touched by other guys?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you hate it if I got close to Shun-kun?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve got Hayasaka-san, but you’re so selfish.”

But that’s great. Tachibana-san says, her expression softening into a smile.

The tense atmosphere vanishes, and her face lights up brightly.

“Do you want to keep me all to yourself? Make me a girl just for you, Shirou-kun?”

I nod. My emotions have been shaken since futsal, and I can’t think anymore. I repeat something I’ve said before:

“I don’t want any other guy to lay a finger on you.”

Hearing that, Tachibana-san beams with joy. She hugs me, expressing her happiness with her whole body.

“I love this possessive Shirou-kun so much. When you can’t see anything else, you’re the best.”

Saying that, she holds up her hand, wearing warm gloves.

“Hey, Shirou-kun, it’s winter now. You really can’t see anything, huh?”

“No way……”

“Yup. When we held hands, both Shun-kun and I were wearing gloves.”

“And calling him Shun-kun……”

“Right. I’ll call him Yanagi-kun from now on. You’re the only one I’ll call by your first name. I’m becoming more and more the kind of girl you like, Shirou-kun. Because of you.”

Tachibana-san says with a delighted laugh. Apparently, holding hands was an experiment after Yanagi-senpai said it must be inconvenient not to be touched by anyone but Kirishima.

“But at futsal……”

During stretches, their skin definitely touched. Knowing I’m jealous over such details, Tachibana-san’s excitement keeps rising.

“Yeah, I got touched a lot, didn’t I?”

In high spirits, Tachibana-san moves in front of me, opens my coat, and starts unbuttoning my shirt. Peering inside, she dramatically—

Vomits.

Gagging, with tears in her eyes, but looking happy, she vomits repeatedly until her stomach is empty.

A warm sensation spreads across my chest and stomach.

“Good, huh?”

Tachibana-san says, wiping her mouth.

“There’s a huge gap between my number one and number two.”

In the end, Tachibana-san still can’t be touched by other guys. Even if she seemed fine, it was just her enduring it, and she ends up vomiting.

I sigh, looking at my shirt, and say:

“Your way of expressing love is pretty bold, huh?”