Chapter 9: I Want to Keep Dreaming Forever

Late November.

Lately, time seems to be passing by incredibly quickly.

It’s probably because every day is so easy, fun, and happy. Time flows like water. It’s a stark contrast to my days at the Fumino household, where I longed for night to come as quickly as possible.

The year is almost over. At this rate, even New Year’s at the haunted house might pass by in the blink of an eye.

Senpai has always been Senpai to me. To society, he might be seen as worthless. But to me, he’s the one person who’s opened my heart, brought me joy, and is endlessly convenient (irreplaceable).

My misfortune. To balance it out, the world gave me a pillar of support. That’s why I’ve become so dependent on him, entrusting myself to him without a second thought.

But Senpai didn’t just fall out of the sky into this world, destined to be this way.

Senpai’s parents weren’t toxic, but they were terrible. He laughed it off, saying he’d lost the parent lottery big time. He grew up under them and became the adult he is today.

That’s all I knew about Senpai’s past. Just as Senpai understood me, I thought I understood him.

But I had no idea why Senpai had become the person he is.

I learned about it during a break after three straight rounds of battle royale games after dinner.

“Hm…?”

Senpai suddenly made a sound in his throat.

“Whoa, no way!”

It was less shock and more awe.

From where I was sitting, I could only see Senpai’s back as he sat in his computer chair. I couldn’t see his expression, but he was staring intently at the monitor, occasionally muttering things like “Oh” or “Huh” in admiration.

“What’s wrong?”

“Remember that incident around summer where a classmate stabbed someone to death in a classroom? It caused quite a stir.”

“Yes. I remember hearing about that.”

Lately, I’ve been able to respond naturally with simple answers without overthinking.

The TV in this house is basically just a decoration. Senpai used to watch late-night anime on it, but now it’s the age of unlimited streaming online. Since he never liked TV to begin with, it’s not even plugged in anymore.

I don’t watch news programs on TV. I get that kind of information from online articles or social media trends. If a headline catches my eye, I click on it. I know my information is biased because I seek it out actively rather than passively.

Still, I knew the general outline of the incident Senpai was talking about.

A bullying victim stabbed their tormentor to death. The school had turned a blind eye to the bullying, so it caused a huge uproar on social media.

“Turns out, that happened at my alma mater.”

“Eh…?”

“Apparently, because of this incident, the principal hanged himself. And guess where? In the classroom of the guy who caused the trouble. It’s like a repeat of what happened back then.”

“A repeat?”

“Back in my day, the principal hanged himself in our classroom too.”

Senpai didn’t sound sad or regretful.

“That school’s just a dumping ground for defective goods. They never learn from the past, so this keeps happening.”

He just chuckled, sounding oddly cheerful.

The incident was trending on social media, and the article was right there on the screen. The first words that caught my eye were “A repeat of eight years ago” and “Imitating tragedy.”

Eight years ago. That would mean the tragedy happened when Senpai was a third-year in high school.

“Did something similar happen when Senpai was in school?”

“Nah, it was a bit different. Back then, it was the bullied kid who hanged himself.”

Nostalgically, Senpai referred to the deceased as that guy. Of course, they were classmates, but I wondered how close they were.

I couldn’t gauge it, and my hands hesitated on the keyboard, unsure how to respond. Still, I gathered my courage and spoke up timidly.

“Were you… close?”

“Nah, not at all. We were just strangers packed into the same box. When that incident happened, all I felt was shock that a classmate had killed himself and annoyance at the mess it caused.”

Senpai’s breath came out like a dry laugh.

“What really pissed me off was when his suicide note came out.”

“…What did it say?”

“It detailed what those bastards did to drive him to his death and accused me of turning a blind eye to it.”

Senpai turned his head slightly, his profile showing a wry smile, as if to say, What a mess.

And so, Senpai told me what had happened during that incident.

He spoke about the past as if reminiscing, his tone oddly light for such a heavy topic.

He’d mentioned before that a lot had happened in high school, but I never imagined it was something like this. No wonder he hadn’t told me the full story back then—it was too intense.

He wasn’t boasting about past misdeeds like they were heroic tales. Senpai understood how society would view his actions and accepted it.

“Scared?”

At the end of his story, Senpai asked me, noticing how I sat there frozen, unable to speak or type.

Scared? Of what, exactly?

That he could calmly turn a blind eye to a classmate being bullied right in front of him?

Or that once pushed, he wouldn’t hesitate to retaliate ruthlessly?

…Or that he could sit here so calmly, without a hint of guilt over the consequences?

Either way, my answer was already decided.

“Nah, as expected of Senpai. I thought you might’ve killed at least one person in your life, but to take out four? Impressive.”

I typed as Renafalt, letting my fingers do the talking.

“Considering what I’ve learned from your example, it’s only natural to think, ‘Maybe I’ll become an unstoppable force too.’”

“Haha, fair point.”

We burst out laughing at the same time.

“So after that, you skipped town, huh?”

“When I told that guy about my ambitions, he was overjoyed. He said I was too good for a backwater like this and gave me the funds to move to the city.”

That guy must’ve been his father.

Someone who cared so much about appearances must’ve been terrified when his son caused such a scandal behind the scenes.

“A year ago, he suddenly contacted me.”

“What happened?”

“He wanted to let bygones be bygones and start over.”

“After all this time?”

“He’s a public servant in a crappy rural town where negative rumors spread like wildfire. A son who didn’t even show up to his mother’s seventh anniversary? Perfect gossip material. He’s been getting an earful, apparently.”

“So he just wants to save face, huh?”

“Yeah. He wants to reclaim the most important thing in the world to him.”

Senpai snorted, as if expelling something worthless.

“Of course, I told him, ‘Who cares, idiot!’ No matter how much he groveled, I just spat back, ‘Shut up and drop dead!’”

“Wow, sounds like a kid’s fight.”

“No point in being the bigger person with someone like that.”

“Did he pull out the classic bad parent move? ‘After all we’ve done for you!’?”

“Oh, he did. And I cut him down without breaking a sweat.”

“What did you say, Senpai?”

“‘I spent eighteen years as your son under your crappy parenting. You should be thanking me!’”

“Senpai, aren’t you a little too invincible?”

“This is a safe zone where bullets don’t fly. If there’s no punishment for breaking morals, then there’s nothing to be afraid of, right?”

Senpai grinned, the corners of his mouth lifting.

“Besides, gratitude is something that comes naturally. It’s not something you demand or give out. I learned that from the leader who took me under his wing and the boss who pulled me up.”

“They were good people, huh?”

“For the first time in my life, I felt like I’d been blessed with good people.”

Senpai said this with a hint of embarrassment.

“So feeling grateful to your parents is a privilege for those who won the parent lottery. I lost mine. The well of gratitude in me has been dry for as long as I can remember.”

Senpai spread his hands as if to say, What can you do?

To someone who values societal rules and morals, Senpai’s words would be deeply offensive. They’d accuse him of being a societal outcast.

But to me, Senpai has always been this kind of adult.

From child to adult. I finally learned the backstory of how he grew into the person he is today.

Senpai had no familial bonds to begin with. When he moved to the city with the severance money, he completely severed ties with his parents. You could say he was freed from their toxic influence.

I also learned about the incident from his school days that he’d mentioned before.

The childhood that shaped Senpai’s personality. If there was anything worth telling, he’d probably told me most of it by now.

But… I didn’t want to believe this was all there was.

“If you could go back to any time in your childhood, where would you go, Senpai?”

“Is this one of those time-leap stories where I become overpowered?”

“More like, what was the happiest time for you?”

“Hmm… let’s see…”

Senpai groaned as he thought back. Despite the abruptness of the question, he was taking it seriously.

I was hopeful. I thought digging through his memories might give me an answer to clear the heaviness in my chest.

But even after ten, twenty seconds, Senpai was still groaning. It wasn’t that he was struggling to choose between equally good memories.

“There isn’t one.”

He just couldn’t think of any.

“Come on, Senpai. Unlike me, you actually went to school, right? Surely you have some sweaty, awkward memories with the guys, even if you were a loser?”

“I don’t have any gross memories like that.”

“Sorry for hitting a sore spot. …I can’t believe Senpai was a loner.”

“I wasn’t that much of a loner. I got along fine with my classmates at school.”

Senpai responded casually, unfazed by my teasing.

“But yeah, I didn’t hang out with anyone after school or on weekends… especially after starting middle school. I was deep into online games.”

“What about Gami-san?”

“Gami was more of a… let’s say, a fated connection than a friend. We hung out at school, but that was it. If anything, our relationship deepened after we reunited here.”

“So you really didn’t have any real friends in school, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Senpai admitted it easily, without self-deprecation or defensiveness.

Thinking about it, it made sense.

The swirling thoughts in my mind solidified into certainty.

…Ah, I see.

Senpai… grew up without ever knowing happiness.

Compared to children suffering under toxic parents or poverty, Senpai grew up in a privileged household. But he was showered with empty gestures and selfish, worthless sentiments. The flower of familial love never bloomed for him. He never experienced happiness within his family.

And it wasn’t just that.

He had no teachers he could respect,

no friends he could trust,

no lovers to nurture love with.

The kind of happiness that comes from human connections—he never experienced any of it before becoming an adult.

He had no major turning points, no significant failures, no moments so embarrassing he wanted to hide. Instead, he never had the kind of happy days I’ve had, the kind you’d want to return to if you could.

Senpai said he didn’t want to try hard once he found comfort. But it wasn’t that he didn’t want to try—it was that he couldn’t find a purpose worth striving for in life.

He knew the idea that hard work would be rewarded was an illusion.

He knew that no matter how hard he worked, the rewards society offered were limited.

That’s why Senpai didn’t even want the kind of happiness society promised.

It wasn’t that he was afraid of being happy.

It wasn’t that he feared he might never achieve happiness.

It wasn’t that he was scared of losing happiness once he had it.

He only knew happiness as a concept. Because he’d never experienced it, he’d become detached, believing it wasn’t worth the effort.

If he’d had something he could dedicate his life to, it might have been different. But Senpai didn’t even have that. He had no hopes or dreams for the future, just filling his present with easy, enjoyable things.

Senpai’s personality was exactly as I knew it. There was no hidden darkness or malice. He was just someone who, despite being relatively privileged, never had the chance to experience happiness.

…It hurt my chest to think about it.

He wasn’t the kind of person you’d call pitiful. People like Senpai aren’t rare in society. He probably didn’t think his life was tragic enough to warrant sympathy.

Still, I wished he’d had a happy time in his life.

I wished he’d had someone to share happiness with.

If only he’d had a major failure, maybe we could’ve licked our wounds together. But Senpai never even had the chance to be hurt.

He had reasons to work hard, but never a reason to want to work hard.

Even someone like me has moments I can call happy. That Senpai didn’t know that kind of happiness made me incredibly sad.

“I knew Senpai wasn’t into romance, but I didn’t expect zero friends. Spending your youth staring at a screen must’ve been pretty dry, huh?”

“You know what a boomerang is, right?”

“A childhood with no friends or lovers, just drowning in the internet. That pure heart of yours twisted over time, growing envious of others’ happiness. In the end, you became someone who wished misfortune on the happy, popular kids. You’ve lost your humanity.”

My fingers moved naturally, typing as they always did.

“Truly a tear-jerking origin story of a loner monster. I’m so sad I could cry a river.”

“Let me ask you again. What do you think of me?”

“Someone who becomes a curse master every time Christmas approaches.”

“Christmas is supposed to be an important event spent with family. In Japan, it’s become a day for couples. Those who can’t participate are seen as losers in life. People have forgotten—or never even learned—its true meaning. Bad money drives out good, as they say. Preserving the right culture for future generations is what a proper society should do. To the fools who misunderstand Christmas, I say: May you fail and be blessed!”

“Fail and be blessed?”

“Six hours of passion, the birth of life.”

“As expected of the undefeated Christmas loser.”

Even though it was Renafalt’s hands typing, the emotions driving them weren’t Renafalt’s.

“The fact that you don’t outright wish for breakups shows how twisted your idea of blessings is.”

After all, Renafalt is a joker. If she tried to express these feelings herself, her fingers would stop from the sheer incongruity.

“But this time, it’s better not to wish for blessings.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because this year, Senpai’s one of the winners.”

“Huh?”

Senpai turned his head to look at me, and I met his gaze head-on.

…Yeah, I think I’m okay.

Right now, I can say it without hesitation or fear.

“Because…”

In fact, I was even looking forward to seeing his reaction.

I didn’t hold back my emotions.

“Senpai, you have me.”

As Fumino Kaede, my mouth moved on its own.

Senpai’s eyes widened.

He immediately understood the meaning behind my words. Maybe he was caught off guard because they didn’t come from Renafalt’s hands.

Neither of us breathed a word as we stared at each other. The atmosphere felt like whoever looked away first would lose.

Normally, I’d be the one to lose, but today I didn’t feel like losing.

“Ah… uh…”

Senpai was the first to make a sound.

It wasn’t heavy, but the awkwardness of the moment seemed to get to him. Maybe he was embarrassed, because his face turned as red as a ripe apple.

Realizing he was blushing, Senpai turned back to the monitor. His actions were so deliberate that…

“Hehe.”

I felt a sense of victory.

To me, Senpai is special. So much so that I’ve defined the dependency within me as true love.

These feelings, born from convenience and the comfort he provides, are akin to selfish self-love.

I want to kiss him, to be close to him, to lose myself in this blind lover’s game until there’s no turning back. If it satisfies Senpai’s desires, then I don’t need to feel guilty. It’s just a perfect fit, fulfilling each other’s wishes.

But it’s not just that anymore.

I don’t just want happiness for myself—I want it for Senpai too.

I’m not trying to act all high and mighty, saying I want to give him happiness.

It’s not about fulfilling desires. It’s about the kind of happiness that can only be woven between people. Because I know how wonderful that is, I want Senpai to experience it at least once.

If we fall, we’ll fall together. Even though I’ve chosen this kind of life, it’s not about forcing myself to try harder. I wanted to become Senpai’s reason to try.

So, I thought I’d start with the form. If the substance follows, that’s even better.

“Senpai.”

The path we’re on is so shaky that it could collapse at any moment. There’s probably no bright future ahead. Every step we take is into an uncertain tomorrow. I don’t know when this dream will end.

Even so, I made a wish again.

I want to stay by this person’s side forever.

“I’m looking forward to this year’s Christmas.”

“…Yeah, me too.”

I want to keep dreaming forever.